Lost..

Good to hear back from you man, and good to hear you can work from home during this. Gettin' stir crazy at all? How is that area dealing with the pandemic, in general? TX is, or was, mostly lawless about it, especially in the smaller towns.

First off, I want to apologize for being so sporadic and lazy about keeping in touch.

It took being in a really dark place for a while to get me to reach out. I think about it often, but for whatever reason, I fail to post or get in contact. I'll be ticking forty in a few months. I got laid off, which I tried to pretend wasn't too big a deal. I also recently let a good woman slip away.

We were together for five years. Trying to let go of her and move forward has been the hardest part of it all. I haven't had anyone to talk to about it, so I ended up texting her number for days, selfishly looking for support. I didn't think she would respond, but she did, and it set me back pretty badly. I think I'm dealing with much of the past trauma from the relationship I had when I was there, in Louisville. I know I didn't talk about it much. But moving here, back then, never really gave me a chance to deal with it, and I kinda shut down for years. I became addicted to video games, working random jobs on and off, and living with my parents. With some tough support from my Dad I started to turn things around, and this beautiful young woman was given to me. Only, it was about a decade too late and I made a huge mess of it. Having never really dealt with that trauma from the past, or really even a breakup, among other things, I sabotaged it all and pushed her away, wasting her time and youth. I've been struggling. Shame, guilt, loss.

In the past I would have been quick to say something like: "get up and move on", without any context. I realize I had no idea what I was talking about most of the time.

I'm working through it, as best I can. Typing this actually helps. I can't sleep, so I'm up watching Youtube videos, shedding tears over my own mistakes.

As far as other stuff goes, my daughter is 19 now and in an honors program in college. I'm incredibly proud of who she has become. Thanks to my Dad's support, she's doing well. My mom died some years back, cancer. I was too depressed myself to help as much as I should have, or just be supportive. I don't talk with my father enough, but never really have. He remarried a Russian woman, and we hit it off really well. /sarcasm

I hope everyone there is doing well, and I hope your families are going strong.